Meeting Rose

December 29, 2013

Rose contacted me on December 7, on a language exchange website.  I noticed she was about my age and we began exploring if we would be compatible language partners.  The first thing I noticed was she was willing to try hard to connect.  Through several schedule changes and Skype connection problems, she was persistent in finding a way for us to meet.  I was quite impressed at how conscientious and polite she was and told her I would love to get to know her as a friend.  Her English seemed at about the same level as my pre-intermediate Chinese so it was a fun challenge.  

I had a plan for how she could help me learn Chinese.  I sent her a scanned copy of materials that I would like to practice reading to her in Chinese.  I was completely impressed that she went ahead and bought the book.  In our email exchanges, I found out she was a doctor who worked for the Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Shanghai and who moonlighted as a psychology lecturer.  How do you do 2 completely different professions at once? I asked.  She replied, “Like you said, having 2 jobs is not easy.  However, in China, can do this.  Because [when] one thing is idle, you can work while doing the other job.”

Regarding her work at the CDCP she said (translated), “it takes very little effort to remain conscious, but must sit here [in front of a computer all day], this is my main job.  Also, I still do counseling, during my spare time, I take 1-3 cases a week. After work I have multiple appointments at night.  I love psychology, but it is difficult to have an opportunity to change careers.  I occupy myself during my free time, having a chance to engage in the work of love, but forced to choose it as a part-time thing. So, I’m like a gyroscope spinning, sometimes tired, and my frame of mind is not good….” 

I replied: 

I am very grateful that God has allowed me to travel a lot over the past year and concentrate on learning Chinese.  I have Japanese ancestry but was born in Hawaii.  My grandparents were born in Hawaii so I am the 4th generation.  I don’t speak any other language besides English but about 4 years ago I decided that I ought to learn Chinese. 

People always say you need to start learning language at a young but I was quite determined.  God opened many doors for me to make Chinese friends and travel to many places in China.  I have grown to love this country and I love the challenge of traveling on my own and trying to figure out how to communicate from day to day. 

January 6, 2014

You said you were a pastor for many years.  I saw a pastor’s job on a foreign movie before, I guess you can save the soul of people, so have helped a lot of people, am I right?

The last time we saw an interesting sentence in your text, “三天打鱼， 两天晒网.”  I never liked this sentence. It means a person gives up “halfway.” This is my mother’s pet phrase.  I thought about my English learning at 2012 and 2013, I often learned English like this.  I even let two months go by forgetting to learn. Sometimes I would hate to both study and forget…

 Rose

During our weekly conversational English language practice Rose’s lesson was about slang.  The question was, what do you say when you want to say, “it’s a secret” in your country?

My answer for the US:   “Just between you and me,” “my lips are sealed,”

Rose’s answer for China:  发誓：“嗯，我不会说出去的”，“打碎牙齿都不会说的”，“我不会告诉任何人”。夸张一点的“向毛主席保证我不说” 祝你周末愉快！

Translation: “yes, I will not speak out”, “shattering all my teeth I still will not say,” “I will not tell anyone.” Exaggerating a little, “to side with Chairman Mao I guarantee not to say.”

I responded to Rose with the following comment: 

Some time when we have a long time to chat (and probably not when you are at your government office) I would love to hear your thoughts about Chairman Mao！

I knew talking about government figures raises a red flag in China and one could get into big trouble, especially if you work for the government, which Rose does.  Nevertheless, she responded with this long letter about Mao:

“My few thoughts about Mao Zedong Era:  Recently because I was concerned about the condition of North Korea’s social dynamics and I remembered the Mao Zedong Era. Undoubtedly, he was a huge man and a legendary figure in Asia.  He was taught by traditional education during his early years and Marxism-Leninism during younger years. He could swing arms in battle. He lead and grew the only party in China. In the 1950s, after the Civil War had ended, our country was very poor, all people fanatically followed him. At that time our country’s development looked morbid.

And then, because different factions struggled within the party, in order to maintain his political position, he continued to purge the opposition. At that time he lead and made a series of political movements. The most famous political movement was the Cultural Revolution movement in the early 60’s of last century.

At that time my family suffered an intense attack. Since the time I was 6 years old, I had known my family was below others. If we were not careful, and used improper words and deeds, we knew we would bring disaster on my whole family. So we behaved with great care and our mood was very oppressed.  Streets were filled with large banners with big slogans. If the government was against a person, then there were overwhelming slogans to vilify him on the streets.  There were also many slogans praised Mao Zedong using the words like “savior” and “long live” on the streets.   Our government promoted and advocated the study of current affairs and politics, and negated learning for knowledge at that time. In that particular period, Mao Zedong’s mistakes actually created a large disaster and trauma for us. It was very difficult for us to repair it for a long time. In China, we call the literature expressing that period, “Scar Literature” 伤痕文学.

But we didn’t have a choice which country we were born in and it seems that a child can’t choose her parents. However, when we grew into adulthood and left that difficult period, it has become farther away, and we could repair those traumas. That was something we had to accept that happened.

After I read some books about his later life, I sure that he was a very wise old man and a great politician in my mind. He lost his child, his energy, and health in his later life. And he was helpless, perhaps very afraid, and lonely in the most high position. He did insist on struggling to control our country.

I think the developmental road of China follows the human universal laws of development. Sometimes alternating between regressing and progressing. The law of development spirals. That is the error that comes with progress.

祝你一切顺利！

Rose

I wrote back to Rose telling her I was very interested in more of her story and that I had read probably over 30 books on China’s history at this point.  (she said that was more than she had).    The Lord had highlighted to me that she was a 北方人 (northeastern Chinese).  I told her briefly of my journey to Nanjing last summer.

Rose replied:   

Carolyn,

Your reply was very moving, mood very peaceful, I was in tears reading.  Appreciate you understanding the experience of the Cultural Revolution.  After I sent the last letter I had some regret, I am careful using China, Japan, Mao Zedong as these words are sensitive. 

I am from Lioaning, my parents experienced the Japanese invasion of China, we were against Japan in an atmosphere where hostility grew.  I never went to see the Nanjing Massacre, could not bear to see, you have so much courage to face that history?

Also it was not your fault, if it were me I really couldn’t do it.  I knew from the beginning you were Japanese American, decided to avoid sino-Japanese war and these kinds of topics.  I want to protect our good friendship.

My child especially likes Japan, suffered my parents’ fierce opposition.  But my child’s trip to Japan caused them to start to change their attitude.  They acknowledged Japanese people can have good friendships with Chinese, but they are still concerned with the variety of news from Tokyo.  My child is in Japan studying the language, a large part of the class are Chinese classmates, coming to study from the 东北 3 provinces.  Sino-Japanese have friendly exchanges, a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since then.

Rose

Northeastern China was where the Japanese first invaded China in 1931, and this preceded the invasion of Nanjing in 1937.   Northeastern China was not only hard hit by the Japanese, but also hard hit by the Cultural Revolution in 1966.  And so the average Chinese person over 40 went through extremely horrific and inhumane treatment and threats.  The city of Shenyang close to the North Korean border.  It was the capital of Manchuria or the Japanese puppet state of “Manchuko” where the Japanese ruled out of.  This was the city my friend Rose was born in.

I have met many 北方人 (Chinese northern easterners), but had never particularly took interest, but the holy spirit highlighted that about Rose, and I began to ask her about growing up in that area, and she said, “Actually, I don’t know what happened to my parents.” They never talked about it.  I know there were many abortions at the time, and that my brother was left in a boarding school as an infant because my parents had to leave us to go work on a farm.”  

The Holy Spirit further highlighted the city of Shenyang to me and I became very interested and started researching it. I said to Rose, “I think God put you in my life to connect me to Shenyang.”  She agreed (though not having any belief in God at the time).  She said she never thought to go back there.  It had been over 20 years since she was last there, and she felt disconnected to it.  She’s now happily living in Shanghai. 

SPIRITUAL CONVERSATION

I listened intently as Rose shared her history with me.  At the end of a conversation she said, “I am very lucky to find you, as I was on this language exchange website for just a short time. That means we are lucky to know each other, and there is not any reason except that it is a kind of “缘分” (fate).”  I took this opportunity to say, “I believe in God, and so I believe God brought us together.”  She said some things I did not understand and she told me she would write it in an email.  (both of our reading skills are much better than our spoken language skills so writing is our default for complex topics when our spoken language skills fail us.)  

Rose wrote:

感谢你关心我的信仰，我能看懂你的英文。

Thank you for your concern for my faith, I can understand your English. 

真的很遗憾，我认为自己不会信仰上帝，当然不排斥别人有这个信仰。

Really sorry, I think I cannot believe in God, of course, do not reject other people having this belief.

因为我从小接受的是无神论—马列主义、共产主义教育。

Because I grew to accept atheism – Marxism, communism in my education.

后来在大学学习中医经典著作，中国古代唯物主义是中医理论的基础。

Then I learned Chinese classics at the University, that materialism is the foundation of Ancient Chinese medicine theory.

又当了十年兵，所以我的唯物主义还特别牢固。

And being in the army for ten years, so my materialism is also particularly strong.

这些年我也想知道信仰到底是[怎么回事]。

Over the years, I also wonder “what is religion”?   

我有个时间表，我想先学好英文，能看懂心理学原著，55岁以后，再理解圣经和西方文化还有中国的佛教。

I have a schedule, I first want to learn English in order to read & understand psychology in its original text.  After getting to be 55 years of age,  I then want to understand the Bible and Western culture as well as Chinese Buddhism.

当然，我知道人不可能没有信仰。

Of course , I know that people cannot be without faith.

我当下是这样想的，我热爱心理学，暂且就当这是信仰的一部分，努力为此工作，我也知道心理学不可能解决全部问题，接下来就继续探索呗。

I immediately thought that way, I love psychology, for the time being, I am working hard with respect to work, I also know psychology cannot solve all problems, so I continue to explore.

唉，也是啊，信仰这个问题让人困惑。

Oh, also, the issue of faith makes people confused.

不过，你告诉我的这(使徒行传 17:24-26)，我能看懂，谢谢你的引导！

But you told me this (Acts 17:24-26 ), I can understand, thank you for guidance !

期待下次见面，能听你谈一点关于信仰的话题。

Look forward to our next meeting, can hear you talk a little bit about the topic of faith.

I was disheartened at Rose’s response but had a small group meeting that night where we prayed for her.  I was to have a Skype face to face conversation the next day.

SKYPE:

We talked some about why she went into Eastern medicine.  She had an aunt she admired and always knew she wanted to be a doctor. 

Over Skype, she wrote while speaking in Chinese: 

Chinese medicine is holistic concept, man and nature are one.  The whole world is divided into five elements: gold, wood, water, fire, earth.  Five Elements Theory :  different body parts and organs of workers which correspond to the five elements.  There is an important doctrine called TCM theory of yin and yang.  Puts things into negative and positive.  Plus the five elements theory on the formation of the theoretical foundation of Chinese medicine. 

CIga: Do you strongly believe and practice this?

Rose:  not quite believe.  I’ve found that traditional Chinese medicine and the human mind in dealing with the human mind is sick.  The theory is to get people to appease, thus the use of medication.  but the soul is sick with drugs may not work.  Contemporary Chinese medicine and has abandoned the traditional theory.  So, I think the heart needs to heal. 

CIga:  Tell me about your Marxist education.

Rose:  When I was a doctor in the army hospital, I also particularly strong materialist.  The belief is that the material is the foundation of spiritual.  If there is no matter, there is no spirit.  So the soul does not exist.  No heaven, no God.  From childhood were educated this way.  Do not believe in China’s gods & demons either.  The [Communist] party does not allow party members to have a religion. But now there are many, many religious party members.  I am timid.  Obedient child, never dared go near religion.  But psychology, but also close to the religion. 

When I do not understand God, there is fear in my heart.  Your faith conflicts with my previous belief.  Although I no longer use my materialistic beliefs, they are feel the same as parents supervising me.   I believe that understanding the Bible also needs to have a long process.  I need to learn.  Cannot put God as a parent. 

Rose asked that night, in spite of or lack of ability to believe, if I could teach her the bible.  I said I would be glad to.  Over the next few weeks we studied Psalm 139,  Psalm 91, Matthew 11: 28-30, Mark 9:24, Genesis 1, Genesis 2-3. 

Skype conversation on February 8

Rose said:  It takes a long time, I’m not sure of myself, changing core beliefs are not very easy thing, I fear you will be disappointed in me.  Talking about God I feel sad.  I am willing to hear you pray, and like to listen to you talk to God yourself.  I feel this is the best way to study.  But I am not willing to talk to God myself.  I don’t know why this is. 

I trust you, but just this and nothing more.  I am willing to study religion for knowledge but will not change my religion, maybe I am wiling to quietly change my heart, but I don’t want other people to see it.

About 15 minutes later during the same conversation, I encouraged her to pray for a concern she had, and she willingly, she voiced her concern to God directly. 

Over the next few weeks, we would meet on Mondays for 30 minutes to practice my Chinese, on Thursdays for 30 minutes to practice Rose’s English, and what always turned out to be 2 hours on the weekend when we talked about life issues and God.  Each time we met for English practice, Rose would want to read the bible passage I had given her. 

2/25

In a Skype conversation Rose wrote:

I have doubts & suspicions.  I will explain. 

rose: 在我的脑海中没有上帝  There is no God in my mind

rose: 就是说在我的心里突然住进一个重要的人 then in my heart suddenly there is an important person.

rose: 但是我不认识他  But I don’t know him.

rose: 我会问“你以前去哪啦”  I would ask, “where were you before?”

rose: 我小的时候你为什么不在这儿？When I was little, why were you not there?

rose: 很困惑  I’m confused.

rose: 还有，我认识你的时候还没准备好接受上帝  also, when I got to know you I was not ready to accept God

rose: 但是你很热情 but you are very enthusiastic

rose: 我愿意感兴趣对上帝  I am interested and willing to look for God

rose: 还是有些害怕  but still have some fear.

The next day she wrote:

这 几个月我睡不好，因为新的感受冲击着我，包括爱、恐惧、和怀疑。我好像经历着一次重要的洗礼。我回顾自己的家庭，回顾所受的教育，和对宗教的看法，还有接 受你这个异国的朋友的强烈的爱，等等，这些快速的体验，让我不得不反复思考，内心产生冲突（好多想法在一起打仗）。我不害怕这些冲突，因为没有冲突就不会 产生新的整合。我渴望得到爱的力量，我意识到我的学生们也需要爱的力量，如果大家都渴望得到爱，那爱的来源呢？这是我最重视的问题，我已经能开始接受你的 上帝之爱…

… These few months I haven’t slept well because the new feeling shocked me, including love, fear and doubt.  I seemed to be experiencing an important event.  I looked back on my family, reviewed my education and my old view on religion and accepted your foreign friendship and strong love.  Facing these fast experiences I had to repeatedly reflect on emerging conflicts between inner thoughts (many ideas fighting together).  I am not afraid of these conflicts, because I know that if there is no conflict I will not grow (produce new integration).  I long for the power of love, I realized that my students also need the power of love, if we all desire to be loved, where does the source of love come from?  This is my most important question.  I have started to accept your love of God….

I wrote:

Rose,

I am so glad to hear how God has shown you so much about yourself during this time.  (Please excuse me for giving the credit to God.  I know you are thanking me but I truly know this is God who is orchestrating this in your life.)  I believe I am just a small “piece of the puzzle” in your wonderful life, and I thank God that he was able to use me to bring up new feelings and conflicts, and that you believe it is a good thing.  And I think I am just a small part of great things to come.  

I will pray that you will know the depth of God’s love for you, which is a love that never leaves or forsakes you.  

Carolyn

BIBLE LESSONS:

Rose,

The main point of the bible is how much God loves you and me.  If we miss this main point, we will miss the whole point of the bible.  This passage talks about how much we can rely on god to protect us. 

14 神说，因为王丹华专心爱我，我就要搭救她。因为她知道我的名，我要把她安置在高处。 15 她若求告我，我就应允她。他在急难中，我要与她同在。我要搭救她，使她尊贵。16 我要使她足享长寿，将我的救恩显明给她。

Psalm 91:14 God said, because Rose loves me, I will rescue her, because she knew my name, and I put her on a high place, 15 she shall call upon me, and I will answer her in times of trouble, I will be with her and I will rescue her and make her distinguished 16 and I will give her a full life and my salvation will be revealed to her.

Carolyn
Rose wrote:

Carolyn,

当我把你的信翻译成汉语的时候，我非常喜欢你对爱的理解，很高尚，很深厚，你停下来的地方，我会认真地领悟，谢谢你！

When I translate your letter into Chinese, I really like your understanding of love, very noble, very deep, where you stop, I will seriously comprehend, thank you!

Rose

I wrote:

Rose,

您的父亲的父亲是个天主教徒。你问天主教徒和新教徒之间的差异。我记得几个月前，你问我来教你宗教仪式，宗教故事，赞美诗，宗教的礼仪，宗教禁忌。我说，这是从主要的事情分心.

Your father’s father (your grandfather) was a Catholic 天主教.  You asked the difference between Catholics(天主教) and Protestant Christians基督教.  I remember a few months ago, you asked me to teach you 宗教仪式, 宗教故事, 赞美诗, 宗教的礼仪, 宗教禁忌 (rituals, religious stories, hymns, religious taboos) and I said this was a distraction from the main thing. 

最主要的是神是多么爱我们。这是一个“关系”。天主教徒和新教徒两个都敬拜神（圣父，圣子，圣灵），但可以忽略主要的事情，并开始做教会的其他方面更重要。这就是我们所说的“宗教”。

宗教和关系通常是不一致对方。在这种情况下， “宗教”并不是一个好词。

The main thing is how much God loves us.  This is a “relationship.”  Both Catholics and Protestants worship God (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) but can lose sight of the main thing and start to make other aspects of church more important.  When we do things for God but miss God Himself, this is what we call “religion.”  Religion and relationship are always at odds with each other.  In this case, “religion” is not a good word. 

历史：从公元4世纪，罗马天主教会建立了教皇谁代表上帝的人。他们也有祭司谁担任中间人，这样，如果人们希望听到来自上帝或神说话，他们相信他们只好请祭司。

Some history:  From the 4th century AD, the Roman Catholic church 天主教堂established a Pope who represented God to the people.  They also had priests who served as intermediaries so that if people wanted to hear from God or talk to God, they usually went to the priests. 

即使在今天，人们在天主教会认为他们需要另一个人才能与神交谈，而是通过耶稣和圣灵，上帝给了每个人与他接触。他们有时也把他们的崇拜玛丽或其他圣人。

Even today many people in the Catholic church think they need another person in order to talk to God, but through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, God gave everyone access to Him.  They also sometimes turn their worship to Mary or other saints.

圣经原文为希伯来文和希腊文，然后再翻译成拉丁文。以前大多数人也是文盲或没有受过教育在拉丁所以无法阅读圣经为自己。

The bible was originally written in Hebrew and Greek, then translated into Latin.  Most people were also illiterate or uneducated in Latin so could not read the bible for themselves. 

1517年马丁·路德将圣经翻译成白话文常见，并使其可用于代替不必问祭司解释神的话为他们大家阅读。 这是“新教徒”或“基督教堂”，谁相信我们能够阅读圣经自己，不需要在中间人为我们与上帝沟通的开始。

In 1517 Martin Luther 马丁路德 translated the bible into the common vernacular and made it available for everyone to read instead of having to ask a priest to interpret God’s words for them.  He was the beginning of the 新教徒 or 基督教堂 Protestant church, who believe we can read the bible ourselves and don’t need someone in the middle for us to communicate with God. 

在西方，很多人去，因为传统，而不是信仰天主教教堂。这是常见的是在一个天主教的“宗教”，因为有这么多的仪式。这大概不是真正的中国。我认为天主教和基督教新教教会在中国既需要来自个人的信仰，因为这个传统并不普遍。

In the western church, it is common for people go to Catholic church because of tradition instead of belief.  It is common to be “religious” in a Catholic church because there are so many rituals.  This is probably way less true in China.  I think both the Catholic and Protestant Christian church in China requires belief from an individual because this tradition is not widespread. 

Carolyn

EXPLAINING THE GOSPEL

After Rose went through an emotional dip with her visit to her parents’ who emphasize 孝顺 (filial piety), I wrote:

Rose,

我现在明白这个“救命稻草”的意思。当然，作为人类，我不能把你和其他人从很深的痛苦中拯救出来，但是我能成为很好的朋友，我还能肯定地指给你我的救主耶稣的方向，他能从痛苦和死亡中拯救你（和我）。

你经历的挫折是正常的。我们还没有迈出关键的一步，让你清晰地听到上帝的声音。这一步是请求耶稣拯救你，还有他变成你生命的神。当你要求耶稣救你，你第一，承认他是神；第二，请求他从你的罪过，痛苦和死亡中拯救你；第三，感谢神并收到他的原谅。

这是一个简单的步骤，但是它给了耶稣进入你生活的权利，它将对你有一个巨大的影响。当你准备邀请耶稣进入到你的生活里来的时候，它仅需要一个愿望。即使你觉得你不能完全相信上帝，当你说，“我相信，请帮助我的不信，”上帝会送给你一个像礼物一样的信仰。

请考虑这一非常重要的步骤。我每个星期可以教你更多关于这些意味着什么。

I now understand the meaning of 救命稻草.  Of course as a human, I cannot save you or anyone from deep distress, but I can be a good friend, and I can certainly point you in the direction of my Savior Jesus, who is able to save you (and me) from our distress and death.  

The frustration you have experienced is normal.  We have not yet taken a crucial big step to allow you to hear God’s voice clearly. This is a step of asking Jesus to save you, and become Lord of your life.   When you invite Jesus to save you, you 1. acknowledge He is God, 2. ask him to save you from your sins, distresses, death, 3.  thank God and receive his forgiveness.

It is a simple step but it gives Jesus the right to be in your life, and it has a lot of huge implications.  When you are ready to do invite Jesus into your life, it requires just a desire.  Even if you feel you cannot believe fully in God, when you say, “I believe, please help my unbelief,” God can give you faith like a gift.  

Please consider this very important step.  I can teach you more each week on what this means.  

Here is an analogy:  If I told you I have a house and I want to give it to you.  You may accept and live in it a few days, but you don’t want to make it dirty or make any changes because you can’t believe I would just give you a house.  I will still say, “please take it, I am giving it to you!”  but you will still feel uncomfortable.  But then you think, “I like this house so much, I will ask Carolyn if I can buy it from her.”  You withdraw money from your account and maybe even take out a loan.  You bring me the money.  Then I say, “You don’t understand.  I have enough money for 100 houses, I am really giving you this house.  You don’t have you to pay.”  You understand that I am a very rich person and I don’t want your money.  You agree because you understand I love you and there are no strings attached.  We both sign a contract and the house is legally yours.  

Then you find out there was swimming pool and tennis court in the back.  Then on another day you find a secret door to a newly renovated basement.  Then you find a secret door to another hallway with new rooms.  This keeps happening, and you knew you would never have had enough money to buy this kind of house.  You are embarrassed you even tried to offer to pay for it.  

This is the analogy of inviting Jesus into your life as Savior  It is a legal contract, but you had no idea you would benefit so much from it.  You thought you have pay and you are willing to pay but you had no idea how big the price tag would be if you had to pay for it because there are too many gifts.  

I have known Jesus for 30 years and this is how life is with Him.  

The other part of inviting Jesus as Lord is just as important.  You must know, that you are saying, “Jesus, I will live in your house that you give me for free, but I want to maintain it and bring my gifts to this house.  I am a good artist.  I want to decorate this room with my artwork.  I want to keep it just as beautiful as when you gave it to me. . . . ”  (this part will require another hour for me to write).

I need to go to work.  This is a very long letter!  I will continue later.

Carolyn

Rose writes:

Carolyn,

感谢你的长信，它真的很长，有生动的比喻和耐心地开导，我感谢上帝给我机会认识了你！昨天我甚至想到，“说真的，上帝不认识我没关系，他应该在卡若琳那里吧。”当然，我渴望马上拥有这所房子。不过，我更想知道我在将来需要哪些具体的付出，我不是衡量得到和付出的比例，我想问当我在心理学的道路上努力工作，算不算是维护这所房子？我迫切希望看到下一部分。我知道一旦说出这番话，我依然不够虔诚。

Thank you for your long letter, it is really long, there are very vivid analogy and persuading, I thank God for giving me the chance to know you! yesterday I even thought, “truly, I don’t mind that God didn’t know me I know he is with Carolyn.” 

Of course, I desire immediately to have this huge house.  But I would like to know to how to pay for it in the future, I don’t [mind] measuring the paying and getting just a proportion. I want to know when I am working hard on the road of psychology, because it went into my heart earlier, I love it like my life. Does it count or not toward maintaining this huge house? I desire to see the other part of your letter. I still know when I speak this sentence, that means I am in unbelief. 

Rose

I prayed for 24 hours before I could come up with part 2.  Here is what the Holy Spirit gave me:

Rose,

I have been praying about how to describe part 2 of my letter.  The first topic was about the BENEFITS of following Jesus and how to invite Jesus into your life.  The second topic is the COST of following Jesus.  Undoubtedly, Jesus asks us for our whole life.  This of course is no small thing.  It is our entire life.  

My dilemma now is trying to explain to someone who barely believes that God exists, how to even want to trust this invisible Being with your whole life?   How can I explain to you the miracle that occurs when you give your life back to your Creator?  And how only then can you truly receive the amazing fulfilling life you were created to live?

Here is the paradox:

马太福音第16：25－26

(耶稣说:）因为凡要救自己生命的， 必丧掉生命； 凡为我丧掉生命的， 必得着生命。 人若赚得全世界， 赔上自己的生命， 有什么益处呢？ 人还能拿什么换生命呢？

Matthew 16:25-26

Jesus said, “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”

Let’s look at love again.  The concept of love is just as mysterious and inexplicable.  How can you experience the fullness of love, unless you give it away freely and then have it returned to you?  If you give it away conditionally, it is not love anymore.  It is manipulation or bargaining.  When it is returned, how can it be fulfilling if it is not returned from someone’s free will?  

It is the design of a human to LIVE freely and to LOVE fully.  And how can such a design so miraculous and constant, evolve through history by random chance without a Master Creator?  We saw in 创世纪 1 （Genesis 1） that the human being is a reflection of God’s image.   So we were designed by God and born from God like a child is born from her parents, so we bear the likeness of our creator or our “Father.”   Just as God is Life and Love, we too need these qualities of life and love to live out our humanity.  

As you and I know, life and love are not random concepts, there are complex principles involved.  Yet these complex principles can be understood by the simplest of human beings.   Every human longs to live freely and love fully but if we go about it by trying to grab and claw on to other people and power and material items, and as we do so, we get more and more unfulfilled, empty, and fearful.  

So yes, Jesus asks for our entire life.  If we hold too tightly to it, we lose it, but if we let it go and give it to Him, it is very scary but that is the thrill of life and love, and that will ultimately bring us fulfillment.  

So this is my description of the cost of following Jesus.  When we understand that God is Love and Life, it really is not costly at all. It is infinitely more safe to give our lives to God than it is to give it to “chance,” or to a human.  

Carolyn  

I usually get 5-8 sentences replying to my long emails.  This time she wrote only, “That is very deep.  I have to think a lot about this.”   When we Skyped the next day, she seemed distracted, told me she couldn’t meet this week because her work place shut down the cellular service for maintenance.  She did not look at me but began writing about my letter, part 2.  Here is part of our session:

March 12, 2014

Jesus said, 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

I mainly need to think.  When I read the original I did not like the idea:  “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it…”  My feeling is that I think it is the truth, but would feel uncomfortable listening to it.  I think I need a long time to solve this problem, can not do it in a short time.   

The reason is that we (Chinese) come against all religious content, is that so many views are questionable.   And there are all kinds of cults in China who also use a similar doctrine.  So I don’t follow.  Have to be vigilant about all that will remind me of extreme talk of exclusion.  Especially as God has absolute authority.  In my heart maybe before there was fear and hatred toward absolute authority but I suppose this is mostly directed at certain people. 

Because I feel some people are not careful and their lives will be manipulated, so we have to be extra careful.  We should not be manipulated by someone.  This is the situation in China.  Many psychologists, including lectures, I have the mentality of holding views carefully.  Because many of my colleagues got caught in these extreme views and continue to follow them, they lose their self, I calmly watch on the side. 

I do not like to be manipulated, but imagine that God is God, and is not like people.  He is the embodiment of love and life.  So I’m going to observe and experience for a long time.  Cannot completely accept all at once. 

And I feel these two months to go very fast, beyond my imagination, I feel there has been worship.  I was afraid of losing self-control.  So, the life that is willing to turn to God, I do not want to do right away, it may be simply impossible.  I have a lot of suspicion from my parents and their experience of long-term social unrest also deeply affected me.  I simply call it “self-protection.”

You say that “a person wants to experience love, we should give it the freedom and let go.  When it is returned, how can it be fulfilling if it is not returned from someone’s free will?”  “If it comes back, and it’s not out of a person’s free will, how can you feel satisfied?”  You wrote:  “Every human longs to live freely and love fully but if we go about it by trying to grab and claw on to other people and power and material items, and as we do so, we get more and more unfulfilled, empty, and fearful.  But if we are to attempt to seize other people and resources, when we do, we are getting no satisfaction, but have emptiness and fear.” 

This means the more we are grabbing desperately, the more we cannot grip.   Because there is a lot of fear in my heart, which my life has caused, then whatever is grabbed is all done firmly.  I am trying very hard to believe and trust that God is there. 

In my heart always has different ideas.  Some fear, some trust….  So I would like to try harder.

Carolyn:  I want to make sure I understand you. You talked about many things just now. First you were uncomfortable.  Now you are comfortable?  And you want to try harder to believe?

Rose laughed as she wrote: 知道我是一只不往前直着走的羊，回绕圈子走路，很还是有耐心  Know that I am a sheep that does not walk straight forward, walks back to beat about the bush, [you are] still patient. 

Carolyn: do you still feel comfortable when I pray for you?

Rose: [you can pray for me] anytime.

3/13

Later that day Rose wrote:

Carolyn,

今天和你谈完以后，我的心情极好。在晚上散步的时候，还在回味你的来信。After talking about you today, my mood is excellent. In the evening walk, still savoring your letter.

我也问自己，为什么这宝贵的幸福来了却不能珍惜？I also ask myself, why I cannot treasure this precious happiness?

有些小孩子脾气倒是真的。I really have temper like a child. 

忽然我想通了，我不去管我的杂念，愿意挑战一下自己的担心和不安。

Suddenly I figured out that never mind my distracting thoughts, willing to challenge my own fear and anxiety.

我认为你说得很对，把自己交给上帝，那真的不吓人。I think you are right to say that to give yourself to God, that’s really not scary.

请问，我接下来该做什么呢？Please tell me, what do I do next?

(Tired, Rose)

累人的Rose

Rose,

I am so glad for your willingness to embrace a life of faith because it will change your life!  All you do is tell Jesus honestly what you feel, and say, “I want to follow you.” 

Jesus is so loving, he will never make you feel out of control.  He will show you more about who he is, and when you seek him, you will find him.  Jesus is the reason we can talk to God and know that he hears us.  There is much to learn about Jesus but your simple openness toward him will allow him to change your life.

I will write more and we can pray together on Sunday morning.  For now, I am so glad for your decision!
 

Carolyn

March 15, 2014

ON SKYPE:

(explaining the origin of evil)

Gen 2 The devil already existed, and used the serpent to speak.  The devil was an angel before but chose to disobey God.  He too had many angels with him and they worshipped the devil instead of God.  They are the evil forces.

There is a battle going on between good and evil.  The battle is for human souls.  This is the spiritual world, that many people don’t see or understand.  We live in a tangible reality, where we believe in material things.

So this is the context to understand life and the bible.

When Jesus came to earth, he connected this spiritual world with our material world.  He gave up being God for a little while in order to be a human.  And he died, and also came back to life, and went back into the heavens. (people saw him ascend).  The main concept is we live in the context of eternity.  Not just this world.  Our faith is in an eternal God.  Jesus was not afraid of death, because he knew where he came from. (eternity)

Rose’s Question:  Who came first God or Evil/Devil?

Good question!  God was here first, he created angels.  Angels worshipped God.  The head angel “Lucifer” wanted to be God.  That was his downfall. (pride) I will give you scripture later.

Rose’s Question:

发生这么多事情，不是上帝喜欢的吧，为什么她没有预见到阻止这些发生呢  So many things happened, if God does not like it, why did He did not foresee and prevent these from happening?

Free will.

Remember love?

You cannot have love that’s controlling.  Because God is love, he refuses to control.  He gives all of his creation freedom.  He let mankind go on, and we got worse and worse, until he finally sent Jesus so we could connect with him again.

You asked what is the next step?  I told you just tell Jesus, “I want to follow you.”  Do you want to pray that together?

You can say whatever you want,

but you are choosing to acknowledge you believe in Jesus coming to earth to die for your sins.

1) I have sin.

2) I want believe you are the son of God,

3) I believe you died so I can live.

4）I choose to give you my life.  Jesus, thank you for calling Rose to yourself.   You love her so much.

I pray that you will shower her with your love this week.

That she might know you more and more. and she might come into the reality of your spiritual world.

Amen.

There is nothing more exciting than seeing a person connect with their creator.  You spoke of anger?

Rose said:  I was saying I do not trust.  Sometimes I have fear, sometimes I have worry.  Sometimes I believe a lot, is all changing.  I find it difficult to understand myself.

I just gave you many concepts.  I realize they sound strange.

Rose’s Theological Reflections (day 2 of being a Christian)

I can accept these concepts of yours, including your analogy, to follow God’s spiritual life likened to a big house.  God’s love is a magical gift, is the wealth that can last for our lifetime.   Also, in order to establish contact with God, we need to ensure we follow Jesus so the Holy Spirit is the bridge between the human and Jesus. 

When we do not know God, our spiritual world has only human content which is very shortsighted, only interested in the real world, but when we invite the Holy Spirit to live in our hearts, our spiritual world hand over to Jesus, there is a lot of space.  We learned a lot of things to love others, love our own life.  Do not have to be afraid of death.   

Not only think about the immediate benefits.  Can anytime keep communication with God, by means of studying the bible, purify their souls, following Jesus, will be able to experience for yourself, you are God’s own child, receive God’s care.

Admitting I myself have sin, implies humans have faulty instincts, we overcome these weaknesses in order to be happy.  While Jesus died to save mankind’s sins, so in front of him, we do not need to feel it is hard to admit our own sins because Jesus loves/adores mankind, he can accept human shortcomings. 

Do I almost have it right on these things?  I certainly have a problem understanding these things.  I will get it slowly.   In my inner world, spiritual life is a larger proportion, psychology is lower than faith but higher than reality. 

I do not know if this kind of thinking is not correct.  This is my current view…. 

I thought her theological statement was quite amazing for someone who just 7 weeks ago had no belief in God and no knowledge of what it said in the bible. 

…and so this was the relationship God has blessed me with to nurture and to grow while in China.